Hope, the definition of hope according to the Merriam Webster dictionary is to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation of obtainment, to expect with confidence.
Hope is what I have. I expect to obtain remission from my cancer with confidence. I know that I can fight this and win.
Yesterday I had my MRI (not fun) and met with my radiation oncologist. I really loved her. While the news wasn't great she was very hopefully that this can be taken care of. While I don't have a tumor, which I thought was good news turns out is not. Instead of a tumor the cancer cells have taken over almost half of the tissue of my left breast. Yay! Not!
The good news is that it is the most common form of breast cancer, which responds the best to treatment. We have a plan which is going to be a bit different than most. We are going to do chemo first, then surgery, then radiation.
Her purpose in doing chemo first is so that I can get at it and not have to wait for a surgery to heal before we can start to kill the cancer cells. This will also show us the effect that the chemo is having on the cancer cells and make sure that we are using the most effective drugs to kill it. She said that it can be very validating to watch the cancer cells decrease.
So not the best news, but not the worst. My appointment with my medical oncologist is today, along with a PET scan, since two of my lymph nodes are swollen they are expected to be involved and we need to make sure since we are doing surgery later this is the best way to find out.
Lots of appointments and tests, lots of information to process. I am very lucky. I have a great support team, several of whom is knowledgeable about medicine. I have a wonderful husband whose main goal is to make this the easiest on me as possible. I am blessed, who would not want to fight this and get rid of it to live happily ever after?
So today hope floats, even if I get pushed under a wave of information and doubts, hope floats. I expect with confidence to obtain the goal of making this disease vacate this body of mine, it still has a lot of life left in it.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Emotions and Hope
Emotions are very strong. They like to creep up on me when least expected and make the crying start. Doug just looking at me a certain way to set me off. Emma asking if I will help her start her own dance studio when she grows up makes me turn my head so she won't see the tears. Even though she thinks I cry all the time anyways. If someone already knows what is going on I can say certain things without crying now.
I received a copy of my temporary pathology report in the mail last week. I didn't open it right away because it came on my 37th birthday. A birthday which was hard enough without a bunch of medical stuff thrown in.
I am hopeful after seeing the report. Hopeful that this was caught early enough to have a high rate of survival. Hopeful that my MRI tomorrow doesn't show any spread of this horrible disease. Hopeful that my doctor's appointments go well and we get a plan of attack.
I am also nervous. What if the cancer has already spread throughout my body. I guess if it has I will cry and then buckle down for a fight. A fight not to leave my family too early. Doug and I are supposed to be one of those old couples you see rocking in their rocking chairs on the porch. I have to see if Emma really will hate my wedding gown that I saved her when it comes time for her to get married.
Many, many more life experiences are waiting for me, first my fight, then my new life.
I received a copy of my temporary pathology report in the mail last week. I didn't open it right away because it came on my 37th birthday. A birthday which was hard enough without a bunch of medical stuff thrown in.
I am hopeful after seeing the report. Hopeful that this was caught early enough to have a high rate of survival. Hopeful that my MRI tomorrow doesn't show any spread of this horrible disease. Hopeful that my doctor's appointments go well and we get a plan of attack.
I am also nervous. What if the cancer has already spread throughout my body. I guess if it has I will cry and then buckle down for a fight. A fight not to leave my family too early. Doug and I are supposed to be one of those old couples you see rocking in their rocking chairs on the porch. I have to see if Emma really will hate my wedding gown that I saved her when it comes time for her to get married.
Many, many more life experiences are waiting for me, first my fight, then my new life.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
My Diagnosis
It's been a chore to get my diagnosis, and I really don't have an official diagnosis yet. My left armpit was swelled up on April 2. I didn't think much of it since it didn't hurt at all, however I wanted to be safe and went to my primary doctor the next day. She looked at it, pressed on it, asked a few questions then told me it was a pulled muscle and not to worry about it and call her if it started to hurt.
Fast forward to the end of April, the lump is still there, exactly the same size and no pain but I wasn't so sure it should still be there and decided to get a second opinion. This time I went to my OB/GYN. I saw her nurse practitioner She thought it was fatty tissue and no big deal but she ordered a complete blood work up and a sonogram of it just to be on the safe side.
My blood work was fine and I almost didn't schedule my sonogram. But I did and they noticed that is was my lymph node that was swollen and the radiologist told me I had lymphoma and that I needed a biopsy and to contact a surgeon. So I spent the weekend in tears because of course this happened on a Friday. The next week I went to the surgeon who wasn't convinced I had lymphoma since just two of my lymph nodes were swollen, she sent me back for a mammogram.
The mammogram showed a very small cluster of microcalcifications in my left boob and a golf ball size cyst in my right boob, which sent me back to ultrasound. The right boob was just a normal cyst, however the radiologist who looked at my film decided I had breast cancer and told me I now needed a breast biopsy.
Fun times.
I had my biopsy done on May 23. And holy cow, I am a bleeder. As of today the hole still breaks open and bleeds. The surgeon said that since it was around 1 on Thursday I probably wouldn't get my results until Tuesday because of the holiday weekend.
No big deal.
I was shocked when she called me late Friday afternoon with results. They were positive. She went on about how I need to set up different appointments with oncologists, have a genetic test, have a MRI, cancer in younger patients is usually very aggressive, blah blah blah. I didn't really hear much except for the positive. She did say her nurse would call me Tuesday with more info.
I was upset but held it together pretty good over the weekend. Up to this point the only person who knew what was going on was my hubby. I didn't want to worry anyone about something that wouldn't happen. I mean really, I have no risk factors. Absolutely none. I also have no lump or tumor in my boob. I however have an affair with google. I spent all weekend googling everything I could about breast cancer.
I found a lot, which has been helpful. It also made me realize that I really don't have any info about whats going on inside my body. I don't have any clue which type of breast cancer I have, which stage I am in, if it is in my lymph nodes, if it is anywhere else in my body. That is what sucks. I would like to wait until I know before I tell people.
Hopefully I will know soon.
Fast forward to the end of April, the lump is still there, exactly the same size and no pain but I wasn't so sure it should still be there and decided to get a second opinion. This time I went to my OB/GYN. I saw her nurse practitioner She thought it was fatty tissue and no big deal but she ordered a complete blood work up and a sonogram of it just to be on the safe side.
My blood work was fine and I almost didn't schedule my sonogram. But I did and they noticed that is was my lymph node that was swollen and the radiologist told me I had lymphoma and that I needed a biopsy and to contact a surgeon. So I spent the weekend in tears because of course this happened on a Friday. The next week I went to the surgeon who wasn't convinced I had lymphoma since just two of my lymph nodes were swollen, she sent me back for a mammogram.
The mammogram showed a very small cluster of microcalcifications in my left boob and a golf ball size cyst in my right boob, which sent me back to ultrasound. The right boob was just a normal cyst, however the radiologist who looked at my film decided I had breast cancer and told me I now needed a breast biopsy.
Fun times.
I had my biopsy done on May 23. And holy cow, I am a bleeder. As of today the hole still breaks open and bleeds. The surgeon said that since it was around 1 on Thursday I probably wouldn't get my results until Tuesday because of the holiday weekend.
No big deal.
I was shocked when she called me late Friday afternoon with results. They were positive. She went on about how I need to set up different appointments with oncologists, have a genetic test, have a MRI, cancer in younger patients is usually very aggressive, blah blah blah. I didn't really hear much except for the positive. She did say her nurse would call me Tuesday with more info.
I was upset but held it together pretty good over the weekend. Up to this point the only person who knew what was going on was my hubby. I didn't want to worry anyone about something that wouldn't happen. I mean really, I have no risk factors. Absolutely none. I also have no lump or tumor in my boob. I however have an affair with google. I spent all weekend googling everything I could about breast cancer.
I found a lot, which has been helpful. It also made me realize that I really don't have any info about whats going on inside my body. I don't have any clue which type of breast cancer I have, which stage I am in, if it is in my lymph nodes, if it is anywhere else in my body. That is what sucks. I would like to wait until I know before I tell people.
Hopefully I will know soon.
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